Hattie’s Blog

Due Date 4/10/13

April 10, 2013Melissa

Today is Hattie's due date. Dates are arbitrary. April 10 was the day we planned for. April 10 was the day we prayed our bouncing baby girl would arrive, happy, healthy and full of life. But things don't always go as planned and January 6 is a better day. January 6 was Hattie's due date; we just didn't know it. I loved being pregnant. I loved feeling Hattie move. Chris and I loved talking to her and telling her about all of the dreams we had for her. We would tell her how excited we were to meet her, imagined who she would look like and wondered how big she'd be when she was born. I was craving a big pregnant belly but I never got there. I didn't have a third trimester. I did not experience the uncomfortable part of pregnancy I've heard about; the I can't see my feet, I waddle when I walk, this baby is digging into my ribs, I can't sleep, my baby has the hiccups. I never stressed about packing an overnight bag or worried is this it, is it time? I've heard the third trimester sucks, and I probably would've been miserable, but I still missed out on the sucky "joy" of pregnancy.

I've been a mixed bag of emotions all day. Mostly I feel grateful and thankful to the Lord for keeping Hattie safe. I am so, so happy Hattie is home and thriving! I love having my whole family under one roof and I'm elated I don't have to make a daily commute to see my baby.

However, Mommy guilt has come flooding back to me. I feel guilty that I couldn't do something so easy as stay pregnant. I feel like I wasn't making a good home for Hattie and she had to get out. Should we have gone to the hospital sooner? Did I miss signs that she was in distress? How did I not realize I was in labor? I had an ultrasound nine days prior to Hattie being born and everything looked perfect. I feel guilty that my body inexplicably went into pre term labor and Hattie had to endure an 80 day NICU stay because of me. I am sad that Hattie's entrance into this world wasn't as easy as it could've been and wasn't as easy as she deserved for it to be. But I am comforted in the fact that Hattie is happy, healthy and progressing perfectly. I know that Hattie came to us exactly when she was supposed to and I wouldn't change it, but sometimes I feel guilty. And I'm allowing myself to forgive myself as God has forgiven me.

I didn't have the birth experience I was expecting. I did not hear a loud cry when she came out. I didn't get to hold my baby on my chest immediately after I delivered her. She wasn't breathing. Her heart rate was in the 60s. My husband wasn't even in the delivery room for goodness sake! But this was our experience, and it was meant to be that way. I remember vividly the first time I saw Hattie. I had just pushed her out and Dr. Fritz held her up for me to see. Hattie was completely still, very, very tiny and gray. I remember asking "why isn't she crying, why is she so small?" The next thing I remember is Dr. Alexander asking if she had a name. I exclaimed "Hattie" and then immediately thought, "oh, no, Chris isn't here; Hattie is what we decided on, right?" (We had decided on Hattie after our first scare in mid-December. We were at church and I started bleeding. While we were waiting for the on call doctor to call back we were praying together. Both of us kept calling the baby Hattie and we knew our decision was made!) Dr. Fritz yelled "get Dad!" Chris came in to the OR and I asked him if Hattie was ok, his first indication that our daughter had been born. Chris' eyes were red and I knew he'd been crying. We were scared but at least we were together. They let us give Hattie a kiss before she was whisked away to the NICU. I remember thinking please Lord don't let this be the last time I get to kiss my baby. We had prayed so hard for her and she was here, way earlier than we expected. She belonged to us and instantaneously we loved her.

You never know how strong you are until strong is the only choice you have. The last three months have been a wild ride. This was nothing we were prepared for or expected to have to endure. But we did it. And for that we feel proud. Back in February, when we were only about a month into this journey, my sweet friend Lisa told me that she felt the reason God sent Hattie when he did was so that Chris and I could share our faith with others through this event. She gave us a huge compliment saying we were being such good examples of what a Godly marriage, family and life looks like for the rest of us. This is not the script I would've written for us, but if we could help or inspire just one person though our journey it was worth it. And I am confident our little miracle baby has impacted the hearts of many and will continue to do so throughout her purposeful life.

While some might think all of this has nothing to do with God, I know it has everything to do with Him. God sent Hattie in His perfect timing. He held her in his loving arms during those fragile first minutes of her life when she received compressions and medication to expand her lungs. He helped her take her first breath on her own when she was extubated after only 12 hours. He eased mine and Chris' fears and provided us comfort that our baby girl would be ok; that Hattie would survive and have no longterm effects from being born 14 weeks premature.

I was browsing through pictures on my iPhone today and found several from Hattie's first few days of life that we haven't shared. Looking back she was so tiny and almost sickly looking. But to us she was absolutely beautiful and strong.

I don't remember life without Hattie and I cannot imagine not having the past three months with her. Today has been tough. I did get a hot cup of coffee today though. Yesterday my cup of coffee sat full teasing me for three hours. I microwaved it twice. Maybe Hattie knew mommy needed a little help today.

Hattie just chowed down on a 120 mL bottle; the little piglet ate 4 ounces in one sitting! She loves to grab at her bottle and hold my fingers while she eats. She tries to eat her bib when I burp her. She makes a lot of grunts and squeals while she's eating making me think she's enjoying herself. This is all proof of how far she's come. I'm taking advantage of some extra cuddle time with my pretty baby today. I think I've told her I love her and kissed her head about a hundred times. I reminded her today how many people have prayed for her and for her parents. I told her that never once did we stop listening to or trusting in God's plan for her life. I am so proud to be her mama. God is too wonderful.

categories Hattie Updates, Photos

It's an Especially Great Easter 3/31/13

March 31, 2013Melissa

This was an especially great Easter. It's Hattie's first holiday at home and I'm giddy thinking about upcoming birthdays, Halloweens, Easter egg hunts, visits from the tooth fairy and Christmases with her. For the last month or so I've been praying hard that Hattie would be home by Easter. We pray, God answers! Chris' parents and Moin came over with a honey baked ham in tow and cooked us a wonderful Easter dinner. It is such a treat for us to eat a homemade meal with real plates and silverware after so many quick lunches and dinners in the hospital cafeteria.

After enjoying Harper family time my heart is humbled knowing Chris and I created this amazing baby girl. Jesus made the ultimate sacrifice for us and I feel like I've tasted a little bit of the love He has for His children through Hattie. He is risen!

categories Hattie Updates, Photos

Discharge!

March 27, 2013Melissa

80 days in the NICU was long enough. Our sweet Hattie is finally coming home today!

categories Hattie Updates, Photos

No More Feeding Tube! 3/24/13

March 24, 2013Chris

On the heels of yesterday's momentum, today continued to be a great day of progress for Hattie. Even though Hattie ate all of her feeds yesterday during the day, we were a little worried about how she would do for her 1:30 and 4:30 a.m. feeds this morning since she normally is sound asleep for those. However, when Melissa called during her 5:00 a.m. pumping time, Nurse Rachel told her that Hattie had not only eaten both of her full feeds, but she was clearly ready for full feeds on her own because she pulled out her feeding tube. Hattie has pulled out her tube before, but this time was different. She pulled out the tube and ripped the tape off her face. When Rachel checked on her at 1:30 a.m., Hattie was holding the tube in her hand as if to say, "I'm done with this thing!" This is just another indication that Hattie is in charge. Since Hattie did so well with her car seat yesterday, we brought in her bouncy seat (a great hand me down from her cousins!) to see how she likes it. It was definitely a new sensation for her and we think she enjoyed it. Her little mind is still developing and it is easy for her to get overstimulated. The seat vibrates, plays music and has little dangly toys in front of her—that's a lot for a baby who spends most of her time staring at the ceiling. Nurse Kristi showed us that when Hattie turns her head away from stimulating things like that it means she is done. So, when Hattie turned away from the toys and music, we removed them and turned off the vibration. That calmed her a bit and she enjoyed the rest of her 20 minutes or so in the seat.

Our sweet friends the Burkett's brought us Tijuana Flats and we had a picnic lunch together in the hospital cafeteria. We loved seeing their adorable girls Claire and Finley. Finley was born just a few weeks after Hattie and we know they'll be fast friends!

A major storm rolled through Central Florida this afternoon. We were under a tornado warning and as the storm approached we could hear everyone's iPhones beeping with weather alerts and could see it moving closer through Hattie's window. Hattie had just eaten and should have been asleep, but strangely remained wide awake as I held her like she had a sixth sense and knew something was happening.

As the weather worsened, I stood and took Hattie to the other side of the room so we were away from the window. At about the same time, all of the lights and medical equipment flickered as the power went out and the hospital's emergency generators took over. A nurse ran around the pod closing all the curtains; hospital policy, we were told. This was clearly a big storm.

Melissa took Hattie from me and I walked to the window to see what was going on outside. I told Melissa that if we saw a funnel cloud coming we would simply unplug Hattie's monitor leads and walk toward the interior of the building, away from the windows. But as I looked out the window, I couldn't see anything but grey. The wind was violently throwing the rain at the window and not even the street below was visible. Then, as quickly as the storm arrived, it stopped, the air conditioning kicked back on and life slowly returned back to normal in the NICU.

After the storm, our friend Katie, albeit a bit shocked by the storm she had just driven through, came to visit. Katie wins the award for most frequent NICU visitor! We chatted for a while before Hattie received her final vaccine. We held it over from yesterday because we didn't want her to be fussy for her car seat trial.

We went to dinner with Katie and ran into Dr. Brown from the hospital. She had seen Hattie the night before and we commented that Hattie was ready for her tube to come out. Dr. Brown had said it was only a matter of time and told the nurse that if Hattie pulled her tube out that maybe it should be left out. At the restaurant, we told Dr. Brown about Hattie pulling the whole tube out, tape and all, and she was thrilled.

Later tonight, Dr. Brown came by and saw how well Hattie has been doing with her feeds. She has eaten 14 in a row so far since yesterday morning! Dr. Brown was impressed and changed Hattie's order to a rather complicated "flex" schedule. Hattie is more in charge now. She has moved from her feeding schedule of 48 cc every three hours to being able to take up to 60 cc. If she eats between 45 and 50 cc in a feed, she can eat again in three hours; if she eats between 55 and 60 cc in a feed, she eats again in four hours. This is a big step toward a full ad lib feeding schedule and we're confident that it is around the corner. And of course ad lib feeding is really the only thing standing between Hattie and going home. For that, we are ecstatic and so very thankful.

Please pray for Hattie to continue to take her feeds from her bottle so that she doesn't have to go back on the feeding tube and so that she can be one step closer to coming home to live with us.

categories Hattie Updates, Photos

Did It Click? 3/23/13

March 23, 2013Chris

Today was a big day! We began with Melissa and I running around the house trying to make it to our car seat class on time. To any onlooker, I'm sure we looked like a normal family rushing around and hurrying to get everything, including our baby carrier, into the car. The only difference was that we didn't have our baby in her carrier. A car seat and CPR class is required for every family in the NICU. Because preemies are so small, it is necessary to learn how to safely load our little ones into the car seat. There was a lot of detail and I think we took it all in as we compared what we learned with our own car seat (which the instructor referred to as "futuristic"). We also learned how to perform infant CPR and what to do if she is choking—hopefully skills we will never need to use. As we joked, the two-hour class is composed of one hour and 45 minutes of learning how improperly using a car seat can kill your kid and then 15 minutes of learning how to bring her back to life by doing infant CPR.

We took advantage of having Hattie's car seat with us and performed her car seat trial this afternoon. We strapped her into the seat as if we were going on a car ride and she had to sit there without anyone touching her for 90 minutes while Nurse Kristi monitored her heart rate, respiration rate and oxygen saturation. We put rolled up receiving blankets on either side of her body and two rolled up wash cloths at her crotch to make her fit in the car seat properly. It has been several weeks since Hattie has worn a pulse oximeter and it was exciting to see her saturation at 100% the entire time. As we watched her sleep soundly in her seat—never once crying—we were reminded of a time not too long ago when we prayed so intensely for her levels not to drop. Our little girl has come such a long way and we are tremendously proud of her.

Today was a great day for feeding as well. Everything in Hattie's brain seems to be clicking and she is steadily working her way toward full feeds from the bottle. The other night we were talking to Nurse Maria about how frustrating the inconsistencies in feeding can be. She explained it so well saying that Hattie's brain is still very immature. She said to imagine her brain like a net with several holes in it. Once everything "clicks" the pieces of the net fuse together and fill in the gaps and Hattie will suddenly have the whole feeding thing figured out. Please pray with us that things have "clicked" for Hattie and we're on our way to ad lib feeding!

She got fed through her tube at 1:30 and 4:30 a.m. and then ate full 48 cc bottles for the rest of the day! We know it won't be long before her feeding tube is nothing more than a distant memory and we can't wait to look at her pretty face with no tube or tape!

Hattie weighs 2,583 grams or 5 pounds, 11.11 ounces.